“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us…” Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities
Dickens wrote of a time where everything hung in the balance, where things could go either way. While we are always at a point where things could change completely for better or worse, we seldom think of this directly —at least not until 2020!
We have been bombarded with so much uncertainty that it’s difficult to not feel either emotionally overwhelmed or totally numb. The uncertainty has impacted our physical and emotional health, our families and friends, our schools, our workplaces, our finances, and even our leisure activities. But we have made it this far, and it would be great to give a big sigh of relief. However, it is unlikely that any of us are doing that. Instead, we are holding our breath to see what happens next. COVID, along with racial, cultural, economic, social, and health disparities, violence, and political elections - all contribute to a sense of foreboding. There are all superimposed on more typical daily stresses. How can we work on finding common ground? How can we maintain a sense of equilibrium? How can we grow “sea legs” when our ship is being tossed about in the turbulent waters?
Establishing Empathy and Finding Common Ground
Perhaps we can recognize that we are all people in search of a sense of security, a need to belong, and a desire to have our thoughts and feelings recognized. We may have different opinions or perceptions of the same situation, but we would expect this especially if, we have different backgrounds and experiences that have shaped us. While we may not perceive the world in the same way, that is not a cause for labeling one way “right” and the other “wrong.” In fact, if we truly listen to each other, we may find that there are points of common ground on which we agree. There also will be other points on which we can “agree to disagree” without condemning the other person.
This brings to mind the looming holiday season without our typical family and social gatherings— another stressor that further strains our interpersonal relationships at home, at work, and in our communities. With so much to gain or lose at a historical inflection point where divisiveness abounds, perhaps we can focus on a few ways to build on our shared human needs for security, recognition and belonging.
Strategies for Building on Shared Human Needs
Listen. Everyone has something to say, and we learn much if we truly listen to not only the spoken word, but also the emotion attached to it. Whether we agree with the thoughts or not, we certainly can try to understand the feeling being expressed.
Empathize. Regardless of what is being said, take a moment to imagine yourself in that person’s shoes and acknowledge their feelings. Do you know anything about them or how they formed that opinion or belief?
Ask Questions. Not accusatory questions, but rather questions genuinely meant to elicit new knowledge about how the person came to their beliefs or opinions.
Notice Values. During the process of information gathering, you may gain insight into the other person’s values. You may find you have similar values or admire those values, even if you disagree with the sentiment being expressed.
Pause for Self-Awareness. Reflect on your gut-level reaction to the exchange. You will have both thoughts and feelings about the information being presented to you.
Choose your response. Do you want to continue the conversation and share your thoughts and beliefs? If so, how can you do this in both a thoughtful and sensitive manner to keep the discussion going? My suggestion is to use “I” statements (I think, I feel, etc.). Hopefully, the other person will give you the benefit of the process outlined above.
Disengage Gently. If you decide that you would not like to continue the conversation, there are ways to step out of the conversation without rancor (e.g. “Wow, I never thought of it that way.” Or…. “You’ve definitely given me something to think about.”)
Maintain Relationships. Disagreeing or not wanting to engage in a particular conversation does not mean that we discard or disregard a relationship. While there may be some tense moments around the holiday table or on that holiday Zoom call, 2020 has taught us that we need one other. Social isolation is not a viable or sustainable option — finding common ground is critical.
Having been under considerable stress this year, let’s try to make the coming weeks “the best of times” rather than “the worst of times” for the benefit of ourselves, our families, and our communities. If you need additional support or resources on working through this time, please reach out.